You cannot demand your rights, civil or otherwise, if you are unwilling to say what you are. -- Merle Miller, writer
It is better to be hated for what one is than to be loved for what one isn't.-- Andre Gide, writer

Personal

What's more personal than this Issue? Ever since I started this "Issue of the Month" idea, I kinda figured I would eventually get to June, which is Gay Pride month, and end up telling you my "coming out" story. This is exactly where the personal meets the political and together we shape the future of our society.

Picture it: suburbs of Sicily Kansas City, Missouri; Monday, March 26, 1990. I, a shy scrawny 19 year old, come upstairs from my basement bedroom and gather my Mother and Father, my Sister and Brother into the living room. I sit down in the rocking chair and face them. I say I want to tell them something before they hear it somewhere else. I tell them that I'm Gay.

But much happened before that day. The first person I ever really "came out" too was my best friend in high school, Corby. I was not ready to come out at all. This was the summer of 1987 and I was in love with Corby and in hate with myself. I hated being Gay. I hated everything about it. I would constantly pray and wish for it not to be so. I hated it and I hated myself. But earlier that year I had met Corby and we bonded. The first time I'd ever bonded with someone so closely. And I fell in love. That summer we biked to a playground in Sugar Creek, Missouri and hung out in the playground. I told him I wanted to tell him something. And I couldn't get the words out; I was crying too much. He guessed correctly what was wrong and I nodded yes. I asked him if he was too and he said no. That made me cry even more. I was alone and vulnerable and now, now someone knew my secret that I'd hidden for all my life.

Several years pass and in the fall of 1989 I'm in college at UMKC, the local university, for the beginning of my second year. I've been trying to learn more about homosexuality. I'm obsessed with looking up all the books and magazines in the public and school libraries in order to understand it more, understand myself, understand what this meant. I don't know anyone Gay, at least that I know of. There are no groups for me. I called the local hotline for Gay help that I found in the yellow pages and they recommend I attend a men's group in a local church basement across town in the city. I attend and it's all old guys (I was 19 and everyone was "old" to me then). That didn't work. So I decide I need help in meeting someone Gay to talk to.

I tell my then-best friend in college, Kathy. She was incredibly supportive and helpful. She also knew of a Gay man who worked with her in the city and she would try and arrange a meeting for us so we could talk. I so needed that. But it never seemed to work out. We could never arrange a time. Then she told me of a Lesbian that I could chat with and she and I sat down one day at Independence Center's food court. She was very helpful and I got to tell her about my fears and hates and self-loathing. And I got to ask her about whether there were young guys like me or were all the Gays old and ugly. She assured me that there were young good-looking Gay guys. That made me feel better. I was starting slowly to accept myself and this life. I still wasn't comfortable with it or happy, but it slowly became better.

My major in college was Sociology. I had many friends with whom I studied in that department. In March of 1990 I finally decided that I could probably tell one of them because sociology students are usually more accepting of things that are different. So, one Friday night in late March, I was sitting at Pizza Hut with a friend from class named Renae. And I told her. And she was fine. It was getting easier to tell people. That night, she and I got stranded by a bad snowstorm in the city and stayed the night at the apartment of very new friend of ours-- Shah. We fell asleep on his floor. I had a crush on him. The next day, Saturday, I told him I was Gay too, hoping he was too, but he was not. Oh well. On Sunday, the three of us and another friend Julie went to a community forum on women's issues in the city. We went to a meeting on lesbian issues and lo-and-behold I came out there to a group full of women. It was definitely getting easier. It was scary still, but easier.

Monday, March 26, did not begin with the idea that I would "come out" to the world. I went to school, hung out with my friends, and did everything normal. Then, after school ended I found out that Shah and Renae were now dating and something clicked in my psyche. I was jealous and upset and hurt. I felt like a third wheel. I felt alone again. I drove home crying and feeling like I was getting sick. I went to my basement bedroom and turned off all the lights and went to bed. In the midst of crying and praying and worrying and trying to sleep, I suddenly realized: I should tell my family and get this Gay thing out in the open. It was like a lightbulb went off and I was ready.

I sat the four of my family members in the living room and told them I was Gay. It was hard and yet it was easy. I kept rocking wildly in the rocking chair trying not to take in the emotions. My mother kept crying. My sister was jumping up and down in an excited way and said she was happy but didn't want me to catch AIDS. My brother was quiet. My father came over and gave me a hug. I'll never forget that. That hug meant a lot to me. My father's not a man of many words or emotions, so that meant a lot.

My parents told me they suspected that I was and that they hoped that I wouldn't be. My brother and sister said they had no idea. My mother asked me if this was why I wanted to watch the Rock Hudson and Liberace tv-movies. My mother wanted to know if it was something she did wrong. My mother followed me to the basement after the group discussion was done and kept crying and worrying and hoping for the best. In my mind, there was no turning back now because I had suddenly gotten strong and felt powerful and uplifted.

I got in my car that night deciding that I needed to go out and see Shah and talk with him about what just happened. Why Shah? Why talk to someone I barely knew? Well, like I said, I had a crush on him and that's where I was putting my emotions at the moment. I drove out to the city, singing along with happy and strong music on the radio, and went to a late-night diner with Shah and told him all about my night with my family. He was supportive and helpful and still really cute. And he was definitely dating Renae now-- dammit.

The weeks after that were a little weird. Now my family and I weren't sure how to act around each other. But we managed. I tried to get my parents to attend a local PFLAG meeting once but my father said no. My mother would probably have loved to attend one meeting, but it was all the way in the city and she didn't like to go out there on her own.

After coming out I realized that there were so many more Gay people all around me, but that we were all closeted and afraid to be out. Once I was out, people came to me and said they were Gay too. I also wanted to find a Gay group on campus, but there was none. So I started up my own that next semester and became the "Gay Guy" on campus. That helped a lot in that I was able to get to know so many more people who were like me. And we would have fun picnics in a local park, or weekly meetings on campus where we'd chat and talk about our lives. All of this was a first for me, but somehow it felt like normal. I was Gay and Out and Proud for the first time in my life. And I'm thankful to have had the inner strength to make it that far. It was the beginning of a new life for me.

Political

If you're not Out, come Out! Coming Out is in itself a political statement.
And if you're not Gay, Come Out as a Straight Ally and let the world know that your support a free society.

Take Action!

HRC's Action Center
NGLTF's Action Center
Register to Vote (Make Your Voice Count)

Articles

(coming soon)

Resources

A very minor listing of various links to groups and resources are below. However, there are also many great local groups and activities in every area of the country and you may wish to do a search within your local community.

* National Gay & Lesbian Task Force (I used to volunteer for them when I lived in DC. Also, they have great annual conferences around the country. I went to three of those conferences and there proved very beneficial to me at the time and in gaining connections and resources that have continued in my life.)
* Human Rights Campaign
* Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation
* Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network
* International Gay & Lesbian Human Rights Commission
* American Civil Liberties Union
* Gay & Lesbian Medical Association
* Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians & Gays
* Lesbian & Gay Immigration Rights Task Force
* Gay & Lesbian Victory Fund (I'm currently a member of the local Bay Area Steering Committee)
* National Stonewall Democrats (Gay & Lesbian Democratic Club)
* LLEGO (The National Latina/o Lesbian, Gay Bisexual & Transgender Organization)

P.S. I use the term "Gay" throughout. This is not meant to leave out anyone, but it's my own inclusive term. I could use "queer" for that, but I don't. I could write out Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Questionning, Queer, etc., or write GLBTIQQ, but I don't. I like the term Gay and mean it as including all of the above. It's my term for this website.