A New Day
Hello again ---it's me

It's gonna be a new day for you
A new day for you
The stars have played their part
The past is gone and done
Have more faith in love
The best is yet to come

Personal

Why do we fear Changes? Changes in our lives, Changes in our work, Changes in our loves, Changes in our world. Why do we always try to stay where we are? I'm so guilty of this fear. And yet, every once in a while I wake up from my dreamlike state and realize: I need to Change. I need to Change something in my life in order to make it better, in order that I move forward, in order that I grow and learn and heal. I've done this many times in my life. Each time, once I finally get to that breaking point when I make a radical Change, it's as if I've become a Phoenix, rising from the ashes of my old dying self and bursting forth mightier and healthier and happier than ever before.

So why do we fear Changes? Why do I fear Changes? These are the thoughts and ideas I will think through, with you, throughout this month. Especially as I go through many of my own big Changes this month.

Things are gonna Change around here!

May 7: It took me a while to come up with this month's Issue of the Month as you know. I've been so busy and so many activities have been happening. I kept thinking I'm going through so many Changes right now that I can't focus on an Issue. And then it hit me, maybe that's the Issue itself. Changes. I have this strange bifurcated force within me that on the one hand wants a rut, and then on the other hand is never satisfied with a rut and wants to break free and start all over. It makes for a strange bit of frustration in my brain constantly, but it always helps to keep me thinking about my life on the whole. I've never been a great planner for the future, only that I know how I wish for my life to be on the whole, rather than viewed within a day-to-day basis. So, as I struggle with those thoughts and endeavors, which are constant, and as I go through the many Changes that are in store for me right now in my life, I will elaborate further thoughts on these issues throughout this month. As I've said before, I don't have answers, I just have personal ideas and experiences and hope for the best.

May 8: I've been working out again. Finally. After I hurt my back a month or so ago I pulled myself out of the gym until I got through my work conference. Having successfully made it through that and having my back in good shape again, I've begun working out regularly again. And it feels great. I have my goals; I have my reading papers while I work out; I have my time (during lunch everyday); and I have a positive attitude about it. I've been there each day this week and I remember now how great it feels to go. My body is starting to catch up with getting back into the groove and soon we'll be moving forward and looking great too! One thing though, I just really hate situps! Everything else is fine, but situps SUCK. Anyway, happy to be back in the gym.

May 9: So, as I mentioned here previously, I decided to go through a Spanish immersion class porque I am tired of playing around with learning it and just want to get it going to where I'm not so scared and nervous and dumb anymore. I'd like to do one out of the country, but right now's not the best time for that, so I found this program in the City, close to my home actually, that runs a full day class every Sunday through this month of May. Last Sunday was my first day. And it was a doozy. I was so overwhelmed with the constant thinking and thinking and thinking that by the end of the day I was just completely drained of energy. It was really good for me, but oh-so-overwhelming. It's just a small group of about 7 so we get lots of "on" time and conversational practice. The problem was there was never an "off" time in that the breaks were incredibly short, say 5 minutes, and they and lunch were also in Spanish so there was no relaxation. Again, it was good for me, but it wore me out. I'm nervous about this Sunday's. But I know it'll be better. And I'm excited about it too.

May 12: I really am SO much happier these days. I've started remembering what "my life" and my interests and my personality are. No, I still do not have a new job lined up. Yes, my last day and my last paycheck are in a few weeks (at the end of the month). Yes, I am somewhat nervous. But mostly, I am happy. I can feel it in my bones. I'm singing and dancing and humming around the apartment, and frankly, around the streets of San Francisco too. I have interests again in bettering myself and my community (i.e. my Spanish classes, my training to become a volunteer with a youth center, my actually studying for my Spanish classes when I'm at home, my planning further education opportunities for myself). What a difference a Change makes. Granted, it's a dangerous and scary Change. But how can I argue with the current results of my attitude on life? It is hard out there. I won't lie. The number of interviews these days are paltry, if any. The number of jobs I have an interest in are small, but substantial enough to keep me hopeful. The economy truly SUCKS. And I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. But I do firmly believe this Change I've hoisted upon myself will be for the better, especially in the long run. In the short run, I'm not sure what will happen. But I know that this Change has brought with it so many positive results already. I just hope for one more big one very soon. In the meantime, I'm going back to humming and smiling. Join me?

May 20: I've been so busy lately. Ever since I made the big Change of moving on from my current job and setting off in new directions, I've been busy, busy, busy. Work has been incredibly busy with so many things to finish up before I leave-- the big conference, the big meeting, the big transition papers, the big everything. On the homefront, I've inundated myself with activity. It's almost as if I'm trying to cram in all the things I always wanted to do into the "now" in order to make sure I do them while I'm dedicated to doing these things. So I'm loving my Spanish immersion classes; I'm loving the beginnings of involvement in the youth center (training tomorrow night!); I'm loving the volunteering with Senator Boxer's campaign; I'm loving the volunteering with other groups; I'm loving my cat; and I'm suprisingly energetic about it all. And I only have eight working days left and then I plan some type of Giant detoxification of some sort to cleanse my spirit of this soon-to-be-past part of my life. Yes, I will miss my people greatly and have valued working with them for the last two years. But, I will be glad to move on and leave those struggles behind and get back to taking care of myself. I see June as a revitalization period. And I look forward to it as such. I need to reconstruct, rebuild, rejuvenate, and reinvigorate my inner self. And the physical too-- so much more gym in the near future as well. Thanks for bearing with me as I go through all of this. And thanks for being so supportive and wonderful. It's made all the difference. I'm still here and going strong.

May 21: Life is about Change. Life is about who you are despite Change. Life is about who you are throughout. Not about the day-to-day living. Not about the job, the occupation, the work. Not about the boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse or loved ones. Not about where you live or when you live. Life is about answering the question "who are you?" without reference to time or place or others or work or income or status or even love. Life is about answering the question internally and finding that strength from within. Because life is about Change. Change happens all the time but we hide from it constantly and can't believe it when it happens. The reality is that life is constant Change that we can't see. But if we open our eyes and welcome it, we see that there's much to embrace. But then, and only then, can we learn about and embrace our total being. Who we are is based upon who we are regardless of the Changes in our lives. And everything Changes. Change is good. It's brings about our true selves, enlightens us, and allows us to rekindle the spark that is our individuality. Don't fear Change. Love it. For it is helping you to see your full self. And then you can answer the question of "who are you?" without hesistation and without fear. And that is true and complete Life.

May 30: I have a favorite nic-nac in my house. I got it several years ago after my difficult breakup with my ex. I always look to it for inspiration as I go through Changes in my life. It's very simple. It's just a little stand, with a picture of an iris flower, and a scripted quote which reads: We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

Who else is ready for a Change?